Ordinary Days

His 9 year anniversary came and went without much more than an acknowledgment of the day. Then, 3 days later, on an ordinary Tuesday, I had a friend over for lunch; I took my son for a haircut, and I found myself missing my dad. When he first died, the focus of my grief was on MY loss - I no longer have a dad, my relationship with him will never have a chance to get any better, etc. Then I married Rob and my grief was focused in relation to this new man in my heart - my husband and dad never met, will never know each other, will never have relationship. And it stretched out to my relationship with my father in law and my initial struggle to really let him into my life because of this loss. Now that I have 2 children, who have taken OVER my heart, my grief seems to focus on my children never getting to know their maternal grandfather or having relationship with him, and there continues to be such sadness there. Perhaps as we get older, our relationship with our parents grow through the relationships they have with the people most dear to us. I miss things about our relationship - I miss seeking his advice, sharing with him about my life, having a meal together, going for a walk, sitting together at the lake. But the picture becomes so much more alive (and therefore heartbreaking) when I think about the things he and my children could be doing together. I once had those things with my dad; my children never will.

Since my dad's death, other people have entered into my heart that I love just as passionately (if not more) than my dad and dad has taken second stage. But isn't that what is supposed to happen with our parents? Aren't we supposed to let go and move on to become healthy, capable adults? Aren't I suppose to transfer that love to my husband and children? And how can I if I am still pining away for a father's love? I don't need my father anymore as I did when I was a child. He is gone and I really am okay without him. But on these ordinary days, I WANT him in my life - to talk about my children, God, running, books, relationships. Perhaps my grief is maturing. Or am I just maturing? It's not all about me and my loss. I am not the only one affected here. Generations are affected by his death. I never met my maternal grandparents. They both died before I was born. The older I get, the more I realize what a loss this is. So much history, story, relationship buried with the dead. So today, 9 years and 3 days later, I'm wishing for just an ordinary Tuesday with my dad.