Letting go

It's called Chronic Compartment Syndrome and it is defeating me. To run is to bring on the pain. At no other time do I feel the pain in my legs. Only when I run. Usually within the first half mile it starts kicking in... the tightness, inflammation, pain, up and down the sides of my calves and into my ankles and feet. And when I stop running, it fades away. I was diagnosed with it a couple years ago when I went to a sports medicine doctor. I stopped running, hoping rest would heal. But now, it's back to haunt me.

Everyone tells me, just stop running. Logically they say, "If the pain comes when you run, stop running." "You can bike or swim," they tell me. I smile and nod my head when what I really want to do is scream at them. Are there any other runners out there who know what I mean? Any other form of exercise is not the same. Biking or swimming just won't cut it when I have runner's blood flowing through my veins. I grew up on running like I grew up on God and nothing else will do. Logic? This has nothing to do with logic. There is no logic in love or loss or a cancer that ate away at my dad's body until there was nothing left to feed on. Running is the only connection I ever had with my dad, and nothing else will do.

There came a time when my dad had to let go of running. Not only running, he had to let go of everything. I just have to let go of running. He had to let go of his very life. I just have to let go of him.

Delayed for now

I've been running for a week now - just one mile, but each time I increase my speed (From 13:14 to 12:21. I'm happy to be getting faster but oh how I long for those 7-minute-mile days). Now though, I've had to take a couple days off. My body is not allowing me to exercise. Sunday I woke up to my back going into spasms. Today I'm feeling better but my back is still pretty locked up and sore. So I rest. I stretch, I drink lots of water. I heat and ice my back. And I grieve.