Dear Dad,
I am having a boy! You'd be so thrilled! If only you were still alive to meet your new grandson, to hold him and rock him and play with him.
If only you were still alive, our relationship would be so different - now that I'm older, now that I'm married, now that I'm about to become a parent myself.
If only I had been able to love you better while you were alive. If only I weren't so afraid. If only you weren't so afraid to love me better. But you are gone. And I'm learning, there can still be healing; there can still be redemption. And while I wish you were still alive, I know in my heart, you aren't supposed to be. I don't know why but I know it's true.
If you were still alive, I'd give you a big hug and a big kiss and I'd tell you I love you. And we'd go for a walk together on the pier and I'd tell you all about my ultrasound and my hopes and dreams for Baby Boy Boo. And as soon as he's able to walk, you'd want to take him to the track to run laps and Baby Boo would treasure that time with his grandpa.
Instead, I will tell Baby Boo about his grandfather and I will keep a picture of you in his nursery. And when he is older, I will bring him to your grave so he can know who this man is he was named after.
1 comment:
Hi Jenna,
As I was reading this blog it was like you were wiping off a foggy window so that I could see more clearly into the world of "healing grief". Part of me wants the window to fog back up so I can turn back to my TV and numb my own losses. But the bigger part of me wants to enter my grief with the heartache, longing, courage and faith that you have written and lived. Your faith is giving your son what evil tried to rob from him ...his grandpa.
Thank you.
Scott
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