Father's Day

Father's Day came and went this year without much emotion. It wasn't until 6:30 p.m. on Sunday that I really remembered it was Father's Day. Sure, all day I knew it was Father's Day but then at 6:30, as Rob & I were driving home from a relaxing mini-vacation-weekend-up-North, it dawned on me, it's Father's Day. And I am father-less.

On our way home, we drove through a little town called Ellsworth. Population: 471. It's where my dad grew up. We drove past his school, his swimming hole, the Post Office his parents ran and past the yellow house on a hill where he lived. But the memories I have of Ellsworth aren't of my dad. When I think of Ellsworth, I think of my grandparents. That's why we made the trip to Ellsworth every summer. To visit my grandparents. (my grandma's famous goulash, banana bread and cinnamon buns were added benefits). So Sunday, on Father's Day, I could drive through my dad's hometown and not feel connected to the fact that it was Father's Day and I was driving through my dad's hometown and my dad is dead.

Another Father's Day of not feeling... Four years now. At 6:30 p.m. on Sunday, I remembered it was Father's Day, and for a brief moment, I felt what that meant for me. And this is where I went with it... I thought about the future, when my husband will be a father and how that day will change in meaning for me. And I thought about my father-in-law and how for the last two Father's Day that I've been married to his son, I haven't been able to wish him Happy Father's Day. I can't even talk to him on Father's Day. And that connects me to my grief. That makes me sad. I don't know how to have a father-in-law on Father's Day. That connects me to my grief over my dad because that's something that's going on right now in the present. My dad died over four years ago. But today, I'm in touch with my grief because I'm not able to celebrate my father-in-law on Father's Day. What a loss that is for both of us.